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The infertility guilt: it's a thing!

Updated: Mar 11

Yes, ladies, the infertility journey has probably made you see all colours.

It is, in a way, comparable to losing a loved one, for I personally have experienced it all: denial, disappointment, sadness, fury, depression and back again.

After all, it really is like losing something: a part of your femininity. And all of a sudden, what may not have appeared like such a big deal to you before, gets pantagruelic proportions and only one thing matters: getting pregnant.


Add to this frustration the fact that getting pregnant is supposed to be the easiest thing on Earth, cause what did your mothers tell you back when you were young and going out on your first date with your very first boyfriend?

“Behave and beware and don’t you do anything stupid or else you’ll end up PREGNANTTTTTT!!!”

Well, I wish someone told me these exact words today, and they were right too!


Ok. So I’m not getting pregnant anymore. I used to, and I have two amazing kids for it, and if you want to read my whole story you can browse back through my articles and see why exactly I am so adamant about having a third.

But the thing is, back when I did get pregnant, not only wasn’t I doing anything special about it, I was actually preventing it most of the time.

So now I am reading all these best-selling amazing inspirational books teaching you how to improve your fertility by no longer using deodorants, or nail polish or hair colour or plastic in your kitchen or whatever and sure enough, it’s ME! That’s why I am not getting pregnant because I am using deodorant (and perfume, daily, blame the French) and I am not leaving the house without my nail polish and I wouldn’t be caught dead without my makeup. It’s ME! Or is it not?


The thing is, my Facebook group,  those are the issues that come up the most.

Could I have a beer before transfer/Do you guys still paint your nails while TTC/ I drink two cups of coffee a day and can’t quit, could this be why I am not getting my BFP/ Has anyone decided to throw away all plastic kitchenware in order to improve fertility.

And I get frustrated, and angry. Not so much for me, because I am oddly over it, but for them. Infertility is hard enough to deal with, no one needs added guilt for having sipped a beer or used a plastic salad bowl.

Yes, while trying to conceive and actually in any moment of our existence, it is ideal to keep fit, in our best form, eat well, sleep well, exercise and avoid excesses. AVOID EXCESSES. Now I don’t know about other people, but for me, refusing myself a sip of beer or a pampering manicure for fear of not getting pregnant because of it…is an excess.

And then, to these questions, my invariable answer is “Heroine addicts get pregnant, alcoholics get pregnant. How could a beer stop you from getting pregnant?”

If only it were so simple, and cutting off on coffee and nail polish and whatever, would guarantee us a pregnancy whenever we felt like!


Oh, and the stress. Let’s not forget the stress! You gotta love people who tell you to stop stressing, because as soon "as you do you’re gonna get pregnant, mark my words"!

Has anyone managed to find the stress button? Turn it on and off? I haven’t.

It’s just that I wonder, if stress were such a big role player in this infertility thing, how did women get pregnant during wars, with bombs falling around them. In concentration camps. Being raped. Starving. Separated from their kids. How is this not stress, compared to our spending too much time in traffic?

Anyway, I don’t mean to tell anyone do this or do that, what we put on our nails and if we colour our hair or use deodorant or have a cocktail once in a blue moon is a personal decision, TTC or not.

But I will damned if I will allow myself to feel guilty about every single thing that brings me pleasure, on a journey that demands my time, my wellbeing, my sanity, my family tranquillity. And money, girls, and money too. But that…is another topic.

Baby dust and…cheers if you feel like it.




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